...And On

The other day, I sat down to meditate, and as I closed my eyes, I said, “God, make Me hear You in my silence.” Immediately, my surroundings became my soundscape and I was reminded. The essence of God (or Source, or the Universe, or Love) is in everything. It’s not just in words that I was hoping to hear, clear instructions that I could write down and memorize. It’s in the wind, it’s in my dripping faucet, it’s in the birds’ chatter outside my window. And it’s in Me. 

Last year, when I dramatically poured the last of my alcohol down my kitchen drain, it was because I was so disappointed with myself. Disgusted, really. I couldn’t believe how much I’d betrayed myself; how many times I’d ignored my own pleas. I needed to listen, by force. So, I stopped drinking, indefinitely. I think I needed to show myself that I was worthy of being heard, of being respected when I called for something. 

I would spend the next 9 months wearing my not drinking like a forever thing. I kind of liked being the odd one out, the one at the dinner table asking “could this be made into a mocktail?” It was cute. I do believe I was using it, though, as another thing I could “be” - another label, a personality. 

As I reflect now, I think of this as just another vehicle ushering Me deeper into myself. It seems it took this whole year for Me to really receive that. Ever since 2020, it’s been constant stripping away of everything I thought made Me, Me. From my job to lovers I thought I’d always have, friendship dynamics, my creativity, booze, my relationship with sex, I mean everything. 

For the first time ever, I’ve met myself bare, and in the my nothingness, I saw that I’m everything. I see that as much as I am all of these things, I am none of them. I’m ready to exist in this reality - and I can’t say I know exactly what that looks like, aside from continuing to loosen my grip. 

I’m looking forward to doing more observing of how I show up as opposed to molding the version I think best fits the space I find myself in. I’ve already started down that path, and I’m proud of that. A lot of good things happen for Me when I show up as I am in each moment.  

As for the drinking, now that I’ve surpassed a year, I feel quite certain that I’ll drink again. I don’t know when. Maybe tomorrow, maybe Sunday before seeing Beyoncé. Maybe months from now, I really don’t know, in this moment. 

What I do know is that I’ll be present and intentional in welcoming that back in, when I do. I’ll remember that I’m not absent of Love and Divine Essence in its presence. I’ll remember that, at my core, at my best and my worst, that’s what I can be, that’s what I am. 

I’ll remember to listen.