Cool Down, Cool Girl

I am actively recovering from what I call “cool girl syndrome”. Being a cool girl means appearing to remain in a state of unbothered-ness, essentially. Emphasis on “appearing”. This is someone who is “cool”, “chill”, she doesn’t complain, and she certainly doesn’t nag. In fact, nothing bothers her, so there’s nothing to complain or nag about. Being around her is a breeze, she expects nothing, there are no risks of broken promises with this girl. 

Who knows how many times I really was bothered, but thought it would be out of my character to express it. I spent a long time establishing the cool girl, it would be so alarming to suddenly…care. The cool girl came about when I was young, when I needed her. She was necessary somehow, for something; it’s just that over time, her personality overshadowed mine. I thought she was me, I thought the cool girl was just who I was. 

I started taking note of the cool girl some years back. I even bonded with a friend over this shared experience, and it was always through the lens of romance. We talked about how the cool girl appeared most when navigating dating. We didn’t want to “do too much” or to appear that we cared more than what felt acceptable. So, when things did bubble up inside, we often just shut the fuck up about it. 

I was just having a conversation the other day, with a different friend. She told me that she sent a text to a guy she’d been talking to a couple of weeks, stating that she needed his intentions clarified, as his actions didn’t seem to match. I wasn’t able to contain my “yes, bitch!”, I was so proud. I’m thankful to be in a space where I see that not as a shock, but as the standard, what should be happening. I’ve come a long way. 

Even about a year ago, I would have never. I would have gotten to it eventually, when other things came up that made room for me to express concerns, but not just flat out like that. In that order - have a concern, express that concern. See something, say something. I Love that so much, and now I have to hold myself to it. I’m not quite dating again yet, but you know, when the time comes. 

The more I’ve thought about this, I noticed that it’s not just something I turned on in my dating life. It really took over who I was, which means I’ve been this way in other spaces. With my friends, with my family, even alone with myself. Always proclaiming and telling myself that I didn’t care. I didn’t have a preference. I didn’t have a need. 

Lies. 

I always have things that I need, ways I would like others to show up, I always have a preference. I just didn’t know that. So, I guess that doesn’t make it a lie, I just really thought that about myself. If I journeyed any deeper, I bet it’s for a sad reason, but that hardly matters now. I’m ready to do the work of showing that I care, not just about the little details, but about how I allow others to keep space with me overall.

I’ve made so much of being easy going, that I missed out on a lot of truly beautiful expressions of Love. When someone close to me asks how I want something and my response is always, “I don’t care”, I take away the opportunity for them to Love me how I truly deserve to be Loved. I’m excited to get those moments back and to be less worried about being a burden to people who want to care for me. 

Another case of “now that I know better, I have to do better”. I’m ready. I’m to Love and be Love to its highest extent, and being honest with myself and the people I Love is just the very first step.