Was I The Other Woman?

I have a question. What makes a Woman the other Woman? There’s an obvious answer to this question: when you’re fucking someone else’s partner. But there are so many seemingly innocent things that come waaaaaaay before getting physical with someone else’s partner. As a single Woman, I’ve definitely found myself in spaces where I have to wonder about boundaries that haven’t been set, or at least communicated with me. I’m free as a bird, so I don’t think about these things until I do. Then it all hits me. Am I overstepping? Am I doing something wrong by not cutting off the connection with someone who’s attracted to me and vice versa once they get in a relationship? Am I allowing our connection/conversation to drift into the inappropriate? As much as these things may feel like common sense, this happens ALL the time and I’ve found myself pretty stumped. 

An easy fix would be to treat people how you want to be treated. If you wouldn’t want your partner behaving in a certain way, then you shouldn’t engage when someone else’s partner behaves that way towards you. Here’s the thing though. I’m not like most people. Which is why I think we should treat people how THEY want to be treated. The only issue with that is…my friend’s partners aren’t my friends. So, I don’t know how they want to be treated, or ultimately, if I’m crossing their boundaries. I know what you’re thinking…ask your friend if his/her partner is okay with your friendship. I just got here, y’all, so give me a minute. I’m going to give you a personal scenario, and I really want to know, was I doing something wrong? 

So, I have this ex. We dated way back in 2014 and it didn’t work out. Nearly 3 years later, we got back in contact, put our situation in perspective, and gained back our friendship. The end of our dating left me looking at him very differently, so much so, I can’t ever really see us together again. Do I feel lust towards him and even miss what we did have in spite of this? For sure. However, I keep my distance. I answer the phone when he calls and we text from time to time about music or the world, but that’s it. Well, that’s almost it. He, on the other hand, acts like he’s obsessed with me when we do communicate. If you ask him, I am the one that got away, his great lost Love, and his true soulmate. He doesn’t hesitate to tell me this. He also is constantly complimenting me and talking about how much he misses my sex. He says that he’s never again connected with someone else on that level. Beautiful, right? Except when you factor in that he’s in a whole relationship with someone else.

They’ve been together over a year, and I believe they’re also living together. I found out that he was in a relationship pretty late, but wasn’t at all alarmed as I didn’t feel like we were doing anything wrong. Or at least, I wasn’t. We text maybe twice a month and talk on the phone maybe once a quarter…who cares? It took me such a long time to start to wonder about the quality of our conversation, regardless of how few and far between they are. Although, I am NEVER talking to him about his dick or missing him above a regular friend to friend level, just giggling away every time he tells me how amazing I am and how I’m the best sex he’s ever had feels super fucking wrong. Mostly because, essentially, he’s comparing me to the person he’s currently with! It’s outrageous when I think about it. I can’t lie and say that I don’t Love the compliments or that they don’t make me feel a little better and a little less lonely in my ever-stretching single hour, but it feels good in that “this is wrong and maybe that’s why I like it” kind of way. 

Plot twist! One day not so long ago, I finally said to him that I need to not engage in this because it feels wrong seeing that he has a girlfriend. He said that she knows all about me and is completely in the loop of how he lost me and never got over it. He said that she knows that he reaches out to me and it doesn’t bother her. Now…I, being the type of person I am, am inclined to believe him. I wouldn’t want to make someone I’m in a relationship with feel like they can’t express their feelings just because they’re not towards me in that moment, AS LONG AS THERE IS CANDOR. So, this makes some sense to me, as this is the kind of partner I also aspire to be.  Also, after dating him myself, not only do I not see him as a liar of any kind, but I also completely see him being in this type of emotionally fluid relationship. After all, I’ve never asked about the details of his relationship because I didn’t feel like it was my business, so for all I know, they could be in a completely open relationship. HOWEVER! I can’t deny the slight tinge of “this nigga lying” in the back of my mind. 

At this point, the conversation has already been premised, and I could just ask. It seems like there’s more to it though. Am I genuinely okay with being on the receiving end of this? If not, am I willing to infringe upon my own boundaries just because he and his girlfriend have theirs? Is this just wrong regardless of how it’s explained? I tend to go by the “full body yes” method, and after the way I felt after our last conversation, instead of gaining more clarity, I cut contact altogether. When I sank into it, I felt dirty. Was I the other Woman? I know that I would never deliberately enter into a physically romantic situation with someone who is in a monogamous relationship. I also know, however, that I will, obviously, not think about whether I’m doing something wrong when connecting with someone digitally and receiving compliments and such.

That’s as far as I’ve taken it, but the fact is, you never really know if that’s okay unless you know. For me, for now, keeping the contact cut seems like the way to go. But I’m still left wondering, was I doing anything wrong to begin with?