When In Need

As I write this now, I’m in a space different than when I decided to write on this topic. I don’t want that to deter me, I don’t want it to trick me into believing that I am out of that space for good. I know I’m not and I shouldn’t be. I’m finally able to sit in the truth that is: I need people. I need people and I need those people to show up in specific ways for me. 

For what feels like my entire life, I’ve shunned dependency, and I’ve gone out of my way to never appear “needy”. This version of me knows that this came from a place of protection, it was a defense; and defenses don’t occur where they’re not needed. I have no criticism for my child self, the one who decided that needing others was wrong, that I needed to be strong and learn to lean only on myself. She was doing what was right at the time, and now I wish to guide her someplace more balanced. 

I’m not just guiding my child self, however, I’m guiding a version of me who existed even a few months ago. I’m guiding parts of me that are present as I write this. This is all very new, but I’m more open than I’ve been before. 

I remember, maybe a year or so back, in a particularly heavy session with my therapist, I finally said it, “I’m afraid of what it would mean about me, if I’m let down”. If I told my Dad, or my Mom, or my Siblings, or my Partner exactly what I needed, and they didn’t deliver, what does that mean about me? That I’m not Loved? That I’m not worthy? That I’m not worth the effort? Those words still sting a bit, that fear still persists.

I had to be honest and accountable for the ways that fear affected the ways I showed up in those spaces with those people. People who really do Love me. I showed up guarded, expecting the worst, so I didn’t thud to the ground when people went their way and not mine. I kept myself close, teeth gritted, fighting with who I really am. 

What I know now is that it doesn’t mean any of those things. I affirm that I am Loved and worthy and worth it by default. The details of day to day circumstances do nothing to make that untrue. I even affirm that someone’s inability to meet a need of mine does not necessarily reflect how they feel about me. I know there is balance when expressing needs, sometimes they will be met, sometimes they won’t, and I will be okay either way.

The first shift that I needed to make was learning to be honest with myself about being in need at all. Depression and still having some connection with toxic positivity doesn’t make this all that easy. With depression and anxiety, I’ve experienced brain fog. I’ve been overwhelmed with discomfort with what felt like no way to sift through my brain and pull out what I needed. On the other hand, toxic positivity will have me affirming how good I feel regardless of what’s really happening. 

So, I’ve slowed down. I check in more often and I face what comes up. I let it be, I question it and I decide from there what’s needed. The next piece is communicating that. So, when someone I Love and trust asks me “do you need anything?”, shutting down my urge to quickly respond with “no, I’m good”, and giving myself some time to think and really answer. 

Throughout the process, I’m noticing that I do need some affirming, a bit of coaxing. It’s okay to be in need. It doesn’t mean anything negative about me that I need help. Connecting is important to me, and giving the people who Love me the opportunity to be there for me is only strengthening our connection. 

There are many sources and reasons for how many of us humans came to believe that being “needy” is bad. It’s not bad. In fact, it’s normal and expressing it is bold. This is where I’m finally starting to see that the strength really lies. I used to only accept need when I was the one being needed. My ego used it for fuel to prove my worth to myself. 

Now I see that we’re all in flow, and the harmony of needing each other is what makes Loving connections what they are meant to be.