Boundaries and Me

In the past year, I’ve learned that failing to set boundaries will result in unhappiness. For me, that unhappiness has shown up as irritability, apathy, and meanness. The concept of setting boundaries has been a bit of a buzz topic for a while now, and I’ve had my moments of putting them in place for myself, but way more moments of advocating for others. Now, I’m in a space when I really do see how necessary it is to set boundaries. 

To live life the way I want to takes thought, it means I have to be slow to act. This has been the biggest challenge, and will continue to be the main layer I have to peel away to master everything I’m going for. When I am slow to act, when I’m being thoughtful in any given situation, I am likely to notice that a boundary is being crossed or needs to be set. When I’m on autopilot, and just going with the motions, I’m far more likely to ignore my boundaries and end up in a mood or overall space that I don’t want to be in. 

If you’ve read a lot of my work, you may have seen me mention the “cool girl”. The “cool girl” is this inner persona that I created, I don’t know when. She was once necessary. I needed her to keep me out of unwanted confrontation that, at one point, didn’t feel safe. She evolved, though. Overtime, she made me tie a lot of my identity to being easy-going and careless. I had no preference. I was “going with the flow”. 

With Love, I honor the “cool girl”, the ways she once made me feel safe, but now, hell no. We are out of that space. My perceived safety is not guaranteed, but I am always safe. I’m in the business now of keeping that front of mind. I don’t need to be right to be safe. I don’t need to agree or want what people around me want. I am Loved and cared for enough to be given the space to cater to myself, and it’s time that I do that. 

I know I’m going to keep learning as I go, but a few spaces where I know I need to maintain my boundaries are as follows: my time/productivity, my energy, and my body. I don’t treat myself well when I allow others to impose upon my productivity and routines. I am aiming to no longer be rigid, but if I’m completely falling off of what’s really important to me to give my time to someone else, that’s not a good look. 

I also am learning to set and maintain boundaries around my energy. I have to put limits on how much lowness I allow myself to take in from others. I know a big part of being a Loved one to someone is being there for them when things don’t feel good for them. I’m with that, but I have to make sure that I limit myself if the conversation is too much so in the realm of complaints with no solution, gossip, or just talking down about self or others. It doesn’t make me feel good, and it doesn’t make me a bad person to limit how much of it I listen to. 

As for my body, I am continuously learning that it is mine. It is mine to Love most and mine to take care of. I don’t owe it to anyone, but I do owe it my attention and my intention. I want to eat with purpose, and I want to move regularly. That means setting more boundaries with myself, while also giving myself grace. 

I am also continuously learning that setting boundaries with some people could be much easier than with others. It also depends on what that boundary is. That’s another reason why it’s important to me that I am thoughtful; that I slow down and assess my needs and the best ways to communicate them. I am setting boundaries differently with my Mother than I am with myself, or my potential partners, or friends. None of which are less necessary than another. 

Some parts of life are just about fine tuning old lessons, and learning how to apply things you’ve known for a while to the version of you who is currently present. That’s where I am in a lot of different aspects and I welcome it. I trust that the Me I am right now is even more equipped to get my needs met—starting with setting the boundaries that are needed in every connection in my life, first and foremost, with myself.