Anxiously Attached

I don’t quite know how to explain it, the difference between knowing and believing something and really knowing and believing something. I’ve learned a lot of things, over the years. I’ve read or heard things and knew immediately that I was in alignment with that thought or idea; but so many times, it really clicks and kicks in later. 

I have an understanding that Love is acceptance, that is my belief, but to be faced with reasons to put that belief into practice is a very different thing. I think I just reached a new understanding on what self-Love is. My first attempts at it looked like highlighting the parts that were easiest to Love. Now, I’m seeing the other side. 

As I type this, it feels very “duh”, but it’s such a profound shift in my experience. I’ve been looking at the things I don’t like and not looking at them to necessarily change them, but to see why and when they’re actually necessary. That’s where the Love part comes in, the empathy. The acceptance. The honesty. 

I’ve been more honest with myself about my attachment style. I have an anxious attachment style. When I learned about attachment styles years ago, I think I knew this beneath the surface, but never said it. I thought I must have been secure because my thoughts on Love are so different from others, I value freedom too much to be anxious. I was just lying to myself though, and shunning a very deep part of who I actually am. 

I’ve been dog sitting this past week. A cute little dark grey doggy who is definitely anxiously attached. He freaked out when his mom left. Then, when he did get comfortable with me, I left him for a few minutes at a time to run downstairs for my laundry. Each time I left, I could hear him barking and crying from down the hall. When I returned, I saw all the paint chips on the floor from him scratching at the door. Each time, he’d jump around me, trying to get as close as he could, trying to establish my presence, trying to ensure I wouldn’t leave. This broke my heart, but it also made me a little…envious. 

I started to think, how freeing it must be to just outwardly express your fears, your needs. I was experiencing some anxiety around this, but he was getting his needs met. I Loved that for him, and thought I could use some of that. 

How many times have I fought myself from telling someone I was scared that they’d leave? How many times did I downplay my experience to convince myself that I didn’t miss someone as much as I genuinely did? How many times did I stop myself from getting what I really needed from someone? Because I didn’t want to need at all. 

It made me sad for my past self, but elated for who I am today. This little doggy, through just being who he is, gave me the permission I needed to fulfill my needs. We’re so socialized to shun codependence that we forget that we really do need each other. That’s the whole point, to connect with others. Not just to connect, but to do so deeply by being who we really are and finding out who’s really for us. 

Those who are for us should be given the opportunity to Love us fully. We can only let them do that by being honest, being open and vulnerable. Yesterday, I texted someone that I miss them. I released the expectation of a response, and did it just because I needed to. 

Shoutout to my doggy friend. While I know, for sure now, that I’m not ready to care for a pet or child of my own full time, I’m thankful for the insight this little one gave me while he was here. 

Cheers to crying when we need to, showing the people we Love that we don’t want to lose them, and being open enough to let all the Love in.