I Don't Want to Be Alone

Healing, for me, has been a lot like untangling a large web. I get a hold of one string at a time, and depending on how much work it takes to get loose, I just pray it’s all connected. I know it is, ultimately; but sometimes, I grow so tired of doing the work that I can’t tell. The last few months were a challenge, so I wasn’t quite able to document in a way that puts it all in order. I guess that’s life though, and that’s healing. It’s not in order, we are only ever where we are, and that’s just that. 

Where I am now has me reckoning with, and hopefully soon, untangling a belief that I found deep in my subconscious thoughts and habits: I am best when I am alone. Currently, I’m in this middle ground, accepting that I don’t really want that for myself, but also still feeling how true I’ve made it. My brain has worked over time to prove it. Take my routine, for instance. I’ve reworked and curated it so much, and I’ve made myself believe that I am only my best self when I stick to it. When I share space with someone, however, my routine too easily slips away. 

This gives that part of my mind the ammo it needs to say “see! You are much better at this life thing when you do it by yourself!” It makes sense, everything I have actually perfected for my day to day life was done alone. Not at all because there aren’t people in my life who will assist me, but because I won’t let them. I don’t ask for help, I rarely ask for anything, and that’s just not the kind of behavior that builds trust and connection. I know that.

Somewhere in my past, I decided that I had to take care of myself. Somewhere else in my past, I decided that I can’t do that effectively unless I am alone. I have to have no one there to distract me. I’ve created a belief that I can’t trust myself to take care of me alongside others. At least, not properly. As I’m sure you’ve picked up on by now, this has also manifested in some major trust issues towards others. Obviously if I can’t trust myself, I surely can’t trust anyone else. 

I’m sure there are a number of strings that I could pull to reach more origins of this, but I don’t know how much it matters for where I am now. I’m realizing that I don’t need to know why, I just need to dismantle and rebuild. I’m starting by saying it, I don’t want to be alone. I’ve spent so much time convincing myself that that would be okay, that I’d be protected that way. I let myself believe that the weight of the joy I’d get from really sharing space with others could never outweigh the pain of losing someone, or worst, being abandoned. 

I can see this for what it is now, a resistant and fear-based belief, and I don’t want that for me. It doesn’t feel like the sort of thinking that leads to really enjoying life the way I want to. I release this, and I loosen my grip on the thoughts, patterns, habits, and behaviors that reinforce the thought that I can’t thrive alongside other people. I reinvigorate my trust in myself and in the people I choose to let Love me. 

I am so thankful for my independence. I’m thankful for all the data I’ve collected to prove that I can properly take care of me. Now, I want to collect some data with some people who Love me. People who I Love and trust to have my best in mind, just like I do for them. With Love and acceptance of myself, I open up to the balance of letting others Love me too.