It's Been A While

I know it’s been a while. It’s been a bit difficult to write because I don’t quite know how to describe the current state I’ve been existing in. I’m thankful to know that descriptions aren’t always necessary. I’m happy to just be, but that being has existed in a bit of a haze. A fog. 

Maybe it’s all the long weekend nights of drinking and being outside. Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s some avoidance, drifting in and out of processing what’s been feeling like a disappointing Love life. Maybe it’s all the Sex and the City I’ve been watching. Although I use it as a comfort show, I can’t ignore how much it reflects the woes of my own dating life. 

On the other hand, however, I’ve been keeping my mornings in tact. I’m on my 117th consecutive day of meditation, a milestone I haven’t hit in a couple of years, I think. I’ve also been reading and journaling. Through that, I’ve been finding that I Love myself more now than maybe I ever have. That Love is showing up as acceptance, grace, compassion, patience. I’ve been truly allowing myself to exist, and even feel more fully. 

But I still feel so hazy sometimes. It’s like I’m here then I’m not, or like I’m here and I’m not. 

Anyway. 

Beyoncé just dropped a new song. Break My Soul. It’s a House, New Orleans Bounce hybrid. It feels like voguing down a runway. It’s giving very much “fuck that job”, and Y’all know that’s my ministry. More than that, it’s rebellion in the name of self-preservation and self-Love. It really is very on time. 

After the winter I had, this summer has been all about doing and feeling. Not worrying, not isolating, being open and letting life’s excitement all the way in. Doing what I can because I can. Overindulging, and still taking the best care of myself as I can in this space and time. I’m kind of excited to feel wrung out at the end. I want this fall and winter season to feel like much needed rest and retreat because I’ve truly let myself live and play to the fullest. 

I really have been living like a Sex and the City character, and I Love that for Me. I’ve been truly exercising my freedom to get up and go, to do, to spend, to experience. As I should. I’m 30, I’m single, I’m brilliant, I’m beautiful, I’m accomplished, why not? As long as I take care of what matters, I think it’s a beautiful way to spend my freedom. 

When I started typing, I didn’t really know what this was. I guess it’s just a check in. I think I needed to get some words out about my current space and time, so I can peek out from the haze a bit. I am very thankful to have this space to do that. I’ll try to make it not so long from now when I’m back. 

If You’re reading this and You have any topics You’d like Me to write about, please don’t hesitate to let Me know. I would Love to expand myself a bit and write my perspective about things that maybe I don’t think very much about on my own. I appreciate You. Sending You Love.