A Decade of Debunked Theories

When this decade began I was just shy of 18 years old. If my memory serves me, I’m sure I was just like most 17 year olds with my inability to see myself growing into any other person than who I was right then. I’m sure I thought I knew everything and that I’d pretty much reached adulthood, and the hard part was nearly over. If that’s what I thought…ha! I’m happy to know now that that was far from the truth.

Now, as I sit here, just a couple months away from my 28th year, I can’t help but realize all the ways I’ve changed. If I’m being honest, the biggest and best inner changes seem to have occurred this year. Or maybe this was my first year paying close enough attention. Either way, in this current space, I can see clearly all the ways I’ve grown and shocked myself by being who I never thought I’d be.

I’m much softer than I thought. 20 year old Bri is cringing right now, but it’s true. I’m even soft in the way that I like that I’m soft. About 3 years into this decade and all the way to maybe the top of this year, I took pride in being impenetrable. I thought that there was a swagger about my ability to not let people all the way in. To appear careless. Well, on the outside I thought it was swagger, on the inside, I thought it was safety. I learned, however, that that safety we think we’re creating when we withhold doesn’t exist. Eventually, the facade falls and you find yourself more hurt by what you let yourself miss out on.

The openness to companionship is also a thing now. This one has 26 year old Bri rolling her eyes. I came into the decade, fresh out of high school where dating was pretty easy, with high hopes of always keeping a fun and lively romantic life. I quickly experienced a few back to back heartbreaks, each with a different range in intensity, one changing me for a very long time. By 2013-ish, I was finished with the romance. I reemerged as a non-monogamous serial dater who not only held no value in the idea of marriage (I never had), but also didn’t see the need in focusing on one person or devoting myself to a traditional relationship. Fast forward to a few months ago, I found that a lot of my disinterest was based in fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of letting anyone know I had needs, and thus, allowing them the opportunity to let me down. The person I am now doesn’t take “because I’m scared” as a reason to not press on. So, here we are; fine tuning my likes and dislikes and actively dating with hopes of companionship (that still feels a little icky to say).

Learning balance has also been huge for me. By the top of the decade, I was already a pretty heavy drinker. For my age, at least, there was only so much I could do. Between 2010 and 2014, I’d had more than a couple isolated incidents that would make anyone worry. I noticed that I was binge drinking, but it wasn’t happening often (notice the gap between 2010 and 2014). I had a pattern where I’d be fine socially drinking for months, then all of a sudden I’d find myself in the aftermath of a binge. Blackouts and hangovers. At that point, I’d go on a fast and give up drinking for at least 30 days, then I’d get right back in the swing of it once the fast was over. I’ve had much less binge sessions between 2014 and now, but I was still fasting from time to time up until the top of this year.

Over time, I noticed that my binge drinking was linked to times of depression and high anxiety. Makes sense. Now, I have a system of checking in with myself. When I’m invited out or having people over, I ask myself “how am I feeling?”, “if I drink tonight, will it be to mask anything I haven’t processed yet?”, “would it feel good to drink with friends in the emotional state I’m in?” It’s helped a ton. I definitely have had some slip ups, but the habit gets stronger every time I do it. I also don’t intend to fast anymore, as I’d much rather practice balance at all times.

In 2010, I graduated from high school. I got into a couple of colleges and chose the one a friend was also going to. I didn’t know it in that moment of excitement, but I didn’t want to go to college. I was wrapped up in the opportunity to be away from home for the first time and everyone seeming very proud that I was going to school. But I didn’t see how much it wasn’t for me. I went to 5 schools in 4 years because I didn’t know what I was doing. I also didn’t know that I wouldn’t be a failure for not going to school. It weighed heavy on me. By the time I finally decided to give it a rest until I got a path figured out, I was unknowingly well into my path. The little smoothie bar that I’d been working for for 2 years brought me into the corporate office as an administrative assistant. From there, I worked and learned until I got promoted into HR. I’ve been there for 8 years and I’ve Loved every moment.

At this stage, I’m so much more aware of who I am, the difference between my true self and my ego, and all the little bolts and wires that make me do the things that I do. It’s crazy to think that a decade worth of moments, experiences, and insights all added up to who I am right now. I’ve learned so much and it’s been pretty cool. I’m thankful for being open to surprising myself. So much of who I am now is nearly opposite of who I was 10 years ago. I’m glad I gave myself the chance to grow. I’m thankful to experience the turn of another decade with much more wisdom and much more to look forward to.