At Its Roughest

I had a sad and beautiful revelation. No matter how many tools I collect in my optimal health toolkit, something will always come around and show me that I am just a human being. This is sad because sometimes those humbling moments feel more like crumbling moments. They feel like I’ve worked for nothing; like I’m fooling myself and nothing actually works. The beauty, however, makes its way in eventually, with the reminder that being only human means that I deserve grace. 

I have my share of rough days, and for the most part, I’ve learned how to treat them. Well, how to think of them, rather. As I’m writing this, I actually think I do need to put more practice towards how I treat them. When I’m having a rough time, I do tend to harden. I have this “it is what it is” attitude, and that may keep me in that space longer than necessary. My thought towards those times, though, I think is what it should be. I understand that everything is temporary, and that good things can even be taken from not so good places. 

The only thing is, not all rough days look or feel the same. My latest rough moment felt darker than ever. I woke up extremely anxious and as soon as I gained consciousness, the negative thoughts just poured in. Maybe I should say dumped in. It felt like they were coming through by the dozen, and I just couldn’t shake them. I quickly broke down and cried, and in that moment, it felt like I had no hope to lean on. So, puffy faced, and with tears still coming down, I decided to change my clothes and walk to the coffee shop. 

On that walk, I called my mother, who Lovingly listened as I cried it out. She then offered me some encouraging words, words that I too would have offered if someone I Love called me in that state. When I got off the phone, I went in to buy my coffee, waited a while as the baristas’ tickets piled on, and let my foot tap to the upbeat music they played. Once I got my drink, I took the long way home, and stopped at the store on the way to buy myself some flowers. 

By the time I made it back home, I was able to breathe again, although a layer of sadness still remained. It especially remained with my walking back into my apartment to the same undone tasks and even less energy. I felt drained, but also released. I just let myself nap, and reminded myself that as long as I get another day to get things done, I’ll be fine. The rest of my day went on relatively fine, and I woke up this morning feeling more prepared to be my best. Whatever that looks like today. 

Oh yeah, this rough day was yesterday. So, what have I learned from this particularly rough moment? I learned that even when the negative, dark cloud is bigger and darker than I’d ever seen, I can still treat it like any other darkness I’ve felt. I can remove myself, let it out, do something that makes me feel even a tinge of pleasantness, and just take it from there. To think of how much more at ease I was in the later part of my day is actually baffling considering how I woke up that morning. 

So, as shitty as that moment was, as much as it felt like a hole I wouldn’t climb out of, I let myself realize that that wasn’t the truth. Sometimes, you don’t do that by putting all your focus on what’s making you feel bad. Sometimes, you do it by doing something else. By subtly asking, what can I do right this second to feel even a little bit better? Then let a domino effect happen until, seemingly out of nowhere, that darkness just isn’t as dark.