Confidence Me!

So, it’s been a minute, I know, but that’s okay. That’s life. Things happen, we fall off the routine a bit, but we keep on going. We have to. One of the main things I was focusing on around the time that I last wrote was around the space of feeling good. I’d come to the conclusion that feeling good is imperative, so I have to be intentional about choosing the good. 

This first brought me to choosing good thoughts. Doing a bit of monitoring what’s going on up there, so I can replace anything that came off as dark or negative, or that just didn’t make me feel good. These are usually thoughts centered around anxiety and worry, but sometimes visualizing super unpleasant scenarios. Once I got intentional about that, I got to really hear what my inner voice has been like. It wasn’t great. 

My initial reaction would be to respond with judgement and frustration. I’d go “why are you even thinking something like that?” or “shut up, stop that!”. So, I had to consider whether this was helping. Yes, I was noticing the not good feeling thoughts, and being aware enough to shift them out, but in a way that also didn’t feel so great. A bit counterproductive, if you ask me. So, I began working on shifting my inner voice. 

Lately, I find myself asking “do you mind if we don’t think about that?”, and even saying “it’s okay to have that fear, but you don’t have to worry about it.” It’s been really great, and sweet to hear me talking so kindly to myself, especially when I’m having thoughts that would usually set me into anxiety. I tell myself to take a deep breath and focus on that, or pay attention to how my gum tastes; pleasant little distractions. 

I had the thought that all this time of treating myself not so great has enforced that that’s what I deserved. I started to notice how people in my life got swept up in the habit of treating me less than great too. This led me to exploring how much I’d relied on others to give me what I wasn’t giving myself, and that thought led me here.

Confidence. This month, for me, is all about cultivating confidence. I can see clearly now the cycle that I was in. My inner voice perpetuated an idea about me, I didn’t deserve softness, Loving care, to be handled gently. This, then, is reflected on the people around me, who are learning from me how to treat me. Over and over, I mistreat me, I allow someone else to mistreat me, and I think less and less of myself. 

One thing that hasn’t changed is my desire to feel good, and feeling good has to start from a deep place within and work its way out. I have to start with the confidence, the firm belief that I am a person who is worthy of feeling good. Starting from that place, I’ll be better able to shift out all ways I don’t make myself feel good, because if I believe that I deserve it, it’s deeper than the surface. It’s no longer just don’t say those negative things, it’s I don’t deserve to tangle myself in negative thoughts and words. 

At least, that’s the idea, right? I feel pretty sure about it though, so we’ll see. The first thing I’ve settled on to cultivate confidence is taking extra good care of me. I’ve started creating better habits, like running outside, and eating better. Having my routine, makes me feel purposeful, which makes me feel confident. I’ve also decided to be intentional about how I look. When I like how I look, I feel good. 

Lastly, it’s about being self-assured, trusting myself wholeheartedly. I want to do what I genuinely want to do, I don’t want to be impulsive. I want to take my time and ask myself what feels good in that moment, and go with it. That’s real confidence. That’s the confidence I’m working towards, the confidence I’m meditating on, the confidence I’m cultivating.