Now Trust It

Okay, so. I’m trying to do my best to not come to the laptop each week (or whenever) with the intention to advise anyone. Here’s the thing, in case I haven’t been extremely clear on this already, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m just piecing shit together as I go. I’m sorry, I’m cursing a bunch, that’s just where I am right now, ya know? 

Remember, a few weeks back, when I wrote about intuition. Yes. The baddest bitch. I guess, now that I’ve found her, it was time to level up. It was pretty hard to identify intuition since I was so cluttered, and so accustomed to my outer listening, or being guided by fear and anxiety. So, of course, when I felt myself being “tapped in”, I felt like that was my aha moment! I’ve done it, I thought, but really, I haven’t done shit yet. 

Well, I shouldn’t say that. Kudos to me for reaching that part of my journey and getting committed to tapping in. There’s just another layer that I wasn’t quite expecting. It’s not enough to listen in for my intuition’s guidance. I have to trust it. I have to take it, and use it. Damnit. This is hard. 

Why is this hard? Well. It’s hard because, like I said, I’m not used to listening to myself, not in this way. I’m used to being defensive or fearful and letting that tell me what to do, but not used to this pure, Loving thing inside me telling me where to focus. Especially if it wants me to focus on something that scares the living shit out of me. So, fear usually tells me where not to go, and intuition is now trying to tell me that that’s actually where I should go. Bizarre. 

So, now. I’m kind of dealing with what my intuition told me not to do. But my intellect. My intellect told me to do this. Or maybe it was my fear, I don’t know. I hope not. I hope I’m not losing you, I’m figuring this whole thing out here. 

Anyway. I think what I’m learning here is, hopefully, that my intuition will be like a Loving Mother. She’ll guide me, and I’ll run in the other direction because “I know better”, and if my way doesn’t work out, she’ll be right there. She won’t hold it against me. She’ll tell me what to do next. Fingers crossed.