Step One

I have decided that I’m allowed to start over as many times as I’d like. I was going to say, if you’ve been reading these pieces in order in the past weeks, I’m sorry for how all over the place I may seem. However, no. I’m certainly not sorry for living my life authentically and documenting it in a just as true way. That, after all, is life. Despite all the gloss and glamour that people choose to put at center stage, I am not alone on this rollercoaster. 

Healing isn’t linear, and life isn’t perfect. When I am in better spaces, I know that I don’t want it to be. I know how good good feels after I’ve just felt bad. I know how great good feels after feeling super bad. That makes it all worth it. I’m feeling good today. After days of feeling not so good. I pulled a very encouraging card in today’s Tarot draw, and I just cried some overwhelmingly happy tears while listening to Yolanda Adams. It’s worth it. 

I’m “late” in writing this piece, I’m writing it the day that I’ll put it out, but I’m so thankful to know that I’m coming today with something I didn’t have yesterday. I knew I wanted to talk about starting over, resetting, and the freedom to do so as many times as needed. Yesterday, though, I wasn’t at step 1 again like I am today. Today feels like a clean slate, while yesterday, I kind of just looked at my dirty slate with exhaustion. Accepting it. Letting it be whatever it wants because I’m too tired to think about it. 

Today, I woke up with a clean slate. I didn’t have to reach too far for good feelings to start with. I instinctively went about doing little things that would build on me feeling good. My tarot met me halfway and let me know that I’m valid in these good feelings. I’m not being delusional, or toxic positive, I actually feel good and I should. This is step one again. I’m learning that my life is just a series of building from step one. Learning to make it grow, but just as important, learning to Love myself and give grace when I’m back in the negative and I’m waiting to start over again. 

I’m learning that acceptance is always better than resistance, even when you’re trying to resist feeling bad with hopes of feeling better. Accepting when I don’t have the energy or the mood, or whatever I usually have, has made the step one come to me as opposed to me fighting so hard to create it. I don’t think I expected it to come today. I just put both feet on that step when it presented itself. That’s all we can do. All we should do. 

I’m also noticing that with all I’m learning and applying, bad doesn’t feel as terrible as it used to. I’m being more honest about it. I’m letting it be here when it comes. I’m not fighting with it or ignoring it, I’m giving it space where I am; and when I do, it doesn’t take up as much space. There’s still room for those little pockets of joy, for laughter, for light, and I relish in them when they come. 

I’m seeing how important it is to know that everything is temporary. So, when I just don’t have it in me. When I can’t fight my way to those better feelings, I don’t have to. They’re coming back around because I can’t feel bad forever. I just know to plant both my feet on that step one when she comes around. That’s when I breathe in the optimism and excitement, and let the good times roll. 

So, my advice to me moving forward is start over when it feels good. Feeling good will tell you that it’s time to start from there. Start again. Get back into the things that were missed. Capitalize on this energy, and let it grow, until it’s time to begin again.