Re-Parent

A constant theme in my life, for a while now, has been the concept of re-parenting. Re-parenting is traditionally a process done by your licensed psycho-therapist, but it’s important that we learn to be in that role as well. When re-parenting, the purpose is to heal attachments and get used to a trusting relationship from a “parent figure”. This usually calls for some unlearning of whatever was picked up as children, and all of this is so necessary. 

My thoughts around re-parenting have ebbed and flowed so much since I first learned about it. That’s normal, and I’m sure it will continue to do so, but at this stage I’m thinking of it from a much more positive view than I was before. My first thoughts of re-parenting revolved around the conversation of my trauma; what needed to be healed and unlearned. Now, of course that’s a lot of it, but that perspective doesn’t always feel so good. So, now, I can see how imperative re-parenting is for my growth, trauma or no trauma. 

I’m not the same person I was as a child. Hell, I’m not the same person I was three years ago, and every version we evolve into needs guidance. Every version needs care and consideration. That’s parenting. So, with that mindset replenished, I finally felt ready to really do the work. That work, for me, started with releasing judgement. I couldn’t get distracted with blame, I just had to face my needs at that moment and move from there. So, I had to learn compassion and understanding for my parents. 

Our inner voices are usually that of the people who took care of us. I started to find my Mother in mine, the more I got mindful and listened. My Mother, being a single parent and a nurse, had a very low tolerance. She wasn’t going to repeat herself, and she certainly wasn’t dealing with anything she deemed as stupid. She said what she said. This was extremely effective in quickly getting us together. 

At the same exact time, somehow, my Mother was very lenient with me when it came to responsibility. I had an absent father as a child, and I think she really wanted to soften the blow of that as much as she could. For her, that looked like cutting me a lot of slack. I never cleaned. Ever. She would fuss at me about my room being junky, but would eventually get so fed up with it that she would clean it herself. 

So, what does that leave me with in an inner voice? When I listen, I hear low to no tolerance, judgement, some harshness, and a lot of enabling. So, I’ve been working on that piece by piece, starting with softening my inner voice altogether. For me, this looks like affirming and thanking myself a lot, as well as speaking to myself more inquisitively instead of making assumptions and demands. 

Like I mentioned in my last piece, I’ve been softening my response to my unsatisfying thoughts. When I first started working on reframing my thoughts, I would hear myself go “what the fuck, why would you even think that?!”. Very harsh. Very unnecessary. Now, I try asking myself “is this a satisfying thought? Can we think about something that feels better?”, and I can feel myself slowly relaxing and shifting into a better, more open and safe space. 

The same with the enabling, I give myself compromises now, and keep my goals in mind. I remind myself of everything that I deserve and remember that I’m my only way to those things. I do this softly and kindly, with a lot of hyping myself up in between. That’s what makes me feel good enough to keep at it when I’m ready to quit. 

A quick spin back to the compassion and understanding. That was a pivotal first step. I was seeing how difficult it was for me to get open and shift when I was holding so much blame for my parents. I finally had to see that my Mother, specifically, did her very best with what she had. Sometimes, parents don’t have the privilege to cater to their children as individuals; they parented with what they had, not necessarily what we needed. And that’s okay. 

We can accept that our parents and guardians did their best, and now we can do better. I can commit to catering to my needs in a way that my parents weren’t able to. I can take advantage of this fresh perspective, and this ability to be open, to be patient, and to really listen to what I need as this version of me.