100 Days

When I started a daily meditation practice, I didn’t think about goals. I didn’t think about what it would look or feel like after practicing for a month or a few months. I just knew that I needed to find my peace, and give myself a little more access to it each day. And those days marched on. Today is my 100th day of meditation. I’ve been meditating every day, every morning for the most part, anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes. As a person with anxiety, being able to look back on the past 100 days and countless moments that I’ve been able to successfully quiet my mind, it’s like I’ve untapped a super power. There’s so much power in that silence. So much power in presence. Today is also my actual half birthday, now if that ain’t divine timing, I don’t know what is. 

So, to answer your question, no. I don’t feel “cured” or “healed” or “zen-as-fuck”. Not all the time. Not every moment. I’m still triggered, I still breakdown, but I feel better in my humanness. I feel like I do have a little secret key in my pocket to my utmost peace. It’s the simplest thing, but no one seems to know about it. No one seems to realize that, a lot of times, change isn’t needed. Most times. All of this uncomfortable shifting and repositioning to be different, it just isn’t necessary. That’s what meditation taught me. 

As I got closer to this day, I started learning just how much more there is to this work. I see a therapist, and she hints at the inner work that still needs to be done, but is really gentle with me and my chosen pace. Then I got intuitive counseling the other day, and that shit was a doozy of it’s own. She didn’t tell me anything too devastating, but definitely some things that I knew deep down, some things I’ve been avoiding. She revealed a lot of what needs to be addressed. I believe, though, that if it wasn’t for the meditation, and me learning about this space of calm and Love that I can tap into whenever, I wouldn’t have been ready or able to receive these messages. It takes Love to care enough for yourself to be better, to grow, I’ve gained access to my Love through meditation. 

I’ve been learning to use meditation as a tool, and it’s still not second nature for me, it’s hard. It’s very easy to keep cool and calm, and breathe my way through life’s little shitty moments. When shit is hella shitty though, when I’m crying uncontrollably, struggling with self-doubts and down-talk, or plagued with confusion and frustration…I’m still learning to utilize this tool in those moments. The gift though, the Love, is in knowing that it’s there. Now that I’ve been exposed to it, I see everything as temporary and that is just comforting. This too shall pass, like really though. The Love from meditation is unconditional. Truly. 

Now that I’ve opened the cave to my inner shadows, I know what lies ahead. I know that I’m not further away from sleepless nights, from crying spells and self prescribed isolation. It’s still just as scary, just as uncomfortable, but now I just feel prepared. I just feel willing. With the first 100 days of meditation, I gained access to myself, I lost the fear of facing my darkness. With the next 100 days, I’ll put all of that into action, listening to myself on a level I never allowed before, and healing from the inside out. 

Here’s to 100 more days of unconditional Love. A Love I could never get anywhere else.