Abort Mission

So, I tend to operate in extremes; in absolutes. It’s something that I’m working on, because although it makes me appear to have all this discipline, at times, what it really means is I don’t. How much discipline do you need when you eliminate the option altogether? That’s why I want to cultivate balance, the ability to do just enough, just what’s wanted or needed, and not overindulge in anything. In the meantime however…

I do see the necessity in being extreme in order to create eventual balance. When I don’t drink at all for a space of time, getting back into it, if I do it mindfully, is much easier to do so with balance. It makes more sense to start from scratch than to try to scale back. So, my new venture in this is with planning. Yes. I want to release planning. 

I’ve said this before, I may have even written it here, I don’t know, but the message has spun the block to meet me here again. It came to me this past weekend. Saturday was my half birthday. Yes, I celebrate my half birthday. I’d made this plan in the beginning of the week to spend the evening of my half birthday alone. I planned on being quiet, not communicating with others, cooking a big dinner, and just relishing in my solitude. 

Needless to say, it didn’t quite go that way. My day time plans went on a bit longer than I’d anticipated, resulting in a little bit of anxiety, which made me feel like I didn’t actually want to be alone. So, I stayed on the phone with a friend for hours. The whole time I grocery shopped, and unloaded my groceries, and put them away, and cooked and ate my dinner. Plan foiled. But it was what I needed in that moment. 

I think I woke up Sunday feeling kind of bad about this, like I hadn’t kept my word. When I meditated that morning, though, it dawned on me. How present am I being if I’m holding myself to rigid plans? I took it to mean stop planning. I know that’s extreme, but if I train myself to think that I don’t plan, then I’ll be present more and more. 

Of course, I’m not going to neglect the things that actually do need a plan, but I’m not going to attach myself to those plans either. I’m going to focus on how I want to feel moment by moment; what I may want to accomplish, and what’s the very next step towards it, not a billion steps ahead of where I am. 

Stop planning. Abort mission. There are so many versions of me, ebbing and flowing within each moment, and they all deserve fulfillment. Cater to who you are right now, Briana, the rest will continue to work itself out, as it always has.