Fresh Out

Reporting live, freshly peeking out from a bout with depression. Perspective is interesting; the way the last few days looks to me now, as opposed to how it looked and felt when I was in it. I think, over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering how to prevent a downward spiral. How do I keep myself from sinking? What routines do I need to have in place? I got quite good at it too. 

If I was feeling even slightly low, I got good at pinpointing exactly what step I missed, exactly what I needed to get back on track. But sometimes…like this past week, it still slips from my fingers. There were things I noticed, and things that I didn’t. I noticed my lack of enthusiasm and motivation towards some important things. I didn’t question them though, I just let them come up. 

I didn’t notice the deeper apathy that I was feeling though, that I’d become generally neutral, kind of careless, not phased in any direction by much. I can see that now, in retrospect, especially after talking through my days with my therapist and having her label my depression symptoms. That felt very much like a duh moment. How did I not notice this? Especially considering my binge. 

My relationship with alcohol has always been complicated, but it’s not; not from the version of me who’s typing right now. It makes perfect sense to me. My ability to be balanced depends on my frequency. Higher frequencies = balance and ability to be present and aware so not to overindulge. Lower frequencies = drinking myself to a blackout without even noticing. These days, however, I do notice, a small part of me does, but it’s not enough to stop. 

That’s usually where my depression leads me. I binge drink, have an uncomfortable recovery, then I let shame swallow me up. Thankfully, I don’t do that last part anymore. I just realized I’d forgotten my whole point. Where I was going with this is the new question of, what if my depression is necessary? I’d done so much to learn to prevent it, and at best, I’ve just learned to prolong the space between one depressive episode and another. 

This is in no way an excuse to enable my binge drinking, but the other parts of my depression, the depression as a whole, what if it comes for a reason? After talking with my therapist yesterday, having it labeled clearly, that I was experiencing yet another bout with depression, I felt empty. This didn’t feel negative. It felt like I’d been cleansed; like space was made within me to create new feelings, to create at all. 

Even after identifying that it felt that way, I was able to be thankful, but still didn’t have it in me to take much action. I just let myself be, but with the newfound knowing that this is where I was, and it was going to pass. I got myself to make a list for today, and getting to it this morning wasn’t exactly a cakewalk, but I’m back in the groove of it. I worked out today for the first time in weeks. I also took a shower (I will spare you the number of days it’s been), and I washed my sheets. 

I put gel in my hair instead of just throwing it up into a messy bun. I took my time with my skin routine. I was listening to Lil Nas X’s new album when I thought to write this.  Doing things that actually make me feel good. In the time that it was needed. I know not to shame the version of myself that couldn’t do these things just yesterday. I’m just thankful for perspective. 

I know I need to do better at advocating for my needs. I know what I need, and I usually know when I need it, so the practice is prioritizing those things, so I can show up my best for myself and everyone else. I know I need alone time, but I also know I need to be careful not to isolate, because it’s so easy for me. Like all of us, I hope, I’m just collecting data. I’m learning to give myself grace, especially my darkest parts, so that I can be better at being my brightest. 

Depression is no joke, and everyone who experiences it does so in their own, personal ways. To myself, and to everyone who has been challenged in this way, I’m here with you. I Love You, and You got this. Remember to just be in the moment you’re in and cater to the needs of this version of you.