Sit In It

So, here’s the thing about my commitment to heal out loud. Oftentimes, like today, it means I have to go back on something I’ve said; as I am not writing from a space of having gone through it all already. This is my life in real time, the parts I see fit to share, at least. Turns out, there are a ton. Welcome aboard if you’re new :). 

So, last week, I wrote from a space of being “fresh out” of my most recent bout with depression. Today’s version of me knows that…no…I was not that far out of it at all. I remained pretty apathetic and on a low frequency for days after last Wordy Wednesday. That’s okay! That tells me that with the amount of awareness I now have, I am finally starting to see what all the steps really are. Trust, I know better than to expect them to always be the same, but it at least gives me a bit more to work with. 

Being where I am now, something new has come to me. I’ve yet again found a new way to appreciate my connection to depression. You see, I choose to believe that all things that happen are happening for me, not to me. With that belief, I have to remain committed to, at least, knowing innately that everything that happens is for my highest good. Somehow. Some way. 

So, by this belief, that means that my depression isn’t purposeless, and even better than that, its purpose is not just to make me feel like shit. This time around, it really forced me to rest, and I know I really needed that. I needed to empty myself (that feeling I was talking about last week), and wring myself out to create new space. The season has shifted, I’ve started a new job, I made the decision to recommit to the work I do. There’s a lot going on that needs my energy and space. 

So, now, in the full swing of this new week, new season, staring through the peephole of a new, upcoming month and quarter, I am extremely thankful for the rest my depression forced me to get. I see now how okay it is that I didn’t keep up with my routines, even though I never stopped seeing the importance in them. I just know that, like all things, I have to let my energy have its seasons. 

Last week, I tried a couple of different times to force myself to do something within my routine. Whether it was a walk outside or a meditation, it really just didn’t hit. It didn’t feel good or bad, it just felt sort of…blah. It didn’t feel elevating, it just kind of kept me hovering in the space I was in. That’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t mean that it’s not worth doing, but I do also see that it’s okay to just sit in the space I’m in. 

Sometimes, I need to just submit and go lay down. Forcing myself to go outside or meditate doesn’t always feel good, and I want those things to feel good. I don’t want to taint the practices that are important to me with the low energy I’m feeling at the time, so it’s best, I think, if I just don’t. Don’t force myself to do my practices, and don’t judge myself for not doing them. 

I’m learning that everything just wants to pass through freely, and it usually does when I get out of the way with my expectations and obligations. When I can, I do what I can, otherwise,  I just cater to what’s really needed. Then, all of sudden, on a day like I had yesterday, I notice how much ease I feel around these tasks and practices. It’s no longer a struggle to just be in my meditation, it doesn’t feel like so much of a drag to walk outside. I’m back in a space of enjoyment. 

I’m thankful. I Love this process. I know I won’t always, that I don’t always, but I will always take advantage of this space to remind myself that everything is happening for my highest good. I think it’s essential that we answer our internal calls. So for me, from now on, I hope to never forget to slow down when depression comes. To lay down. To turn inward and Love on myself in silence. To let it all out, and come out ready to give again. 

Because that’s what I do. All of our processes should be made sacred. I hope to continue to remind us all of that. Sending Love to every version of every one of us.