Green Flags
I’ve always been told by the older people in my life that relationships are hard work. Nothing worth having comes easy. Happiness doesn’t come without sacrifice. About every cliché you can think of has been thrown my way at one point or another. While I can agree that most of the things you want in life require a certain amount of hard work and dedication, I, however, do not subscribe to this notion that love should hurt.
Nowhere does it say that to achieve your happy ending you must first endure emotional warfare. I find it strange that men and women have brainwashed themselves into thinking that years of cheating, lying, manipulation, and unreliability is just all a part of being in love. Why have we fooled ourselves into wearing emotional scars as badges of honor that somehow validate a relationship? You are not required to wait around while your partner matures and becomes the version of themselves that you deserved all along. What you’re actually doing is stunting your partner’s growth and in turn regressing your own.
I’ve done my best to avoid these trauma cycles throughout my dating life. My red flags are completely ironed out. The first sign of unhealthy behavior and I know it’s time to check out. If I’m being honest, it may take two or three signs but the end result is the same. Even though it’s difficult, you have to know when to walk away. Learning when to let go is a skill set that should honestly be taught in school. Emotional attachments are extremely hard to break.
The flip-side to this is: what happens when you’re actually dating an emotionally healthy person that you’re attracted to? Do you know when to stay? A friend of mine brought to my attention the idea of green flags. I was honestly stumped for a moment. The things that I don’t want flow out of my mouth like water, but when asked what I do want it, took a little more effort. However, I was able to come up with a short list of green flags.
Consistency- It’s the oldest trick in the book and the most effective. Want someone to really fall for you? Make yourself a fixture in their lives. I say this with love, I don’t mean become a stalker or over stay your welcome in someone’s life. But, if the feelings are mutual, proving yourself to be a reliable source of emotional and physical support in someone’s life is priceless.
Strong sense of self- I can’t love you and take pride in you if you don’t have pride in yourself. Nothing is sexier than a man who has values and goals and knows where he’s going in life; being unapologetic about his work ethic, because that doesn’t translate into neglect when you’re dealing with a real man.
Excited to be with me- I’m sorry but I need my man to stan me a little bit. Nothing feels better than seeing a smile on someone’s face and knowing that you put it there. Your partner should find genuine joy in being with you. He or she should miss you when you are not around. If there is no excitement or urgency about planning the next time you see each other I’ve always taken that as a sign of someone’s feelings or lack thereof. If work and life prevents us from seeing each other often I need to know that you miss me just as much as I miss you.
Emotionally available- This could very well be the most important on the list because without emotional availability the relationship is pretty much mute. You need someone who is open to the possibility of love. Your partner has to be ready to combine their life with yours. This means taking on each other’s emotions and assuming a certain amount of responsibility to not further damage each other. A silent agreement that allows you to build a future together. Giving another human any power over your emotional stability is always a gamble, but one that must be taken to have a successful relationship.
Affectionate- Everybody’s level of needed affection is different. Whether it plays out in public spaces or behind closed doors it’s important to find out the way your partner wants to be loved. It could be a sweet text message, the hold of hand, or sexual intimacy. It would be all three for me. I’m a modest person and I don’t need a big show of your affection in public. However, your hand on the small of my back or your hand resting on my inner thigh during conversation are small things that truly feed my soul. Small assertions that allow me to constantly feel your energy.
I narrowed my list down to five, but of course there were plenty more. Things like sexual chemistry, strong friendships, family life, and work ethic are also at the top of my list. It’s important to sit down with yourself and come up with a list of things you truly desire in a partner. Not only so that the universe can send them to you, but also so you’ll be able recognize it when it comes.