Intercepting Our Suffering
As I press into this new year, like many others, a lot of my mind is set on the intentions I want to set and stick to. Who do I want to be? What new habits am I looking to implement? What can I create that will make me better than I was in the year before? Balance is something that really stands out for me. I can be a bit of an extremist in some areas. A bit…indulgent, if you will. So, I can definitely stand to apply some rules around moderation.
This got highlighted for me, recently, in a way that I wasn’t expecting. Of course, I want to gain control of the over-eating. I want to drink less alcohol. That’s a given. But I’d also like to get a handle on my human moments. As I’ve ventured into my desire to become closer to my Highest Self, I’ve noticed some similarities between myself and the other humans around me. Often times, when we advise someone that “they’re human”, it’s because of one of those not so pleasant parts of life.
“It’s okay that you lashed out, you’re only human.” “Of course that makes you sad, you’re a human being.” This got me thinking that suffering is one of those human things. It’s natural and normal, but absolutely needs a line drawn. I came across a YouTube video not too long ago with this man illustrating his belief that suffering is rarely ever coming from a present source. We suffer due to what’s occurred in the past, or what we fear will occur in the future. So, if I don’t wish to suffer, what can I do about this?
One of the most important parts of the human experience is connecting to one another. As we are not perfect beings, there tends to be some snags in those connections from time to time. Some cuts and bruises too. We hurt each other often. We hurt each other with words and actions, and oftentimes, we don’t know when we’re doing it. We all come with our own sets of traumas and triggers, and for some, it can be like navigating over land mines. So, when someone hurts us, so many times, that pain is amplified on the inside of us. We deal with it alone, and worst of all, we play it over and over again in our heads.
This mental game that we play becomes the source of our suffering, and is the very thing that creates and attracts the patterns that we claim that we don’t want. We don’t notice that we’ve given so much attention to the ways we’ve been hurt, that now it’s all we see. So, for myself, and hopefully someone else, I’ve created a checklist to use when someone hurts us. A way to stop the mental game in its tracks, truly check in, and move on in a much more pleasant way.
Ask yourself, “am I even hurt? How do I know? What in my body tells me so?”
Sometimes we can be conditioned to feel that someone’s behavior is unacceptable. Be real with yourself about whether someone is actually causing you pain, or if you’re just attracted to the drama for some reason. Look within for these answers, other people’s point of view are there’s and there’s alone.
2. Do I know that the person hurt me intentionally?
When it comes to those snags in human connections, intention and impact are equally important. If you are hurt, that is valid and worth addressing, but knowing the other person’s intention will help you navigate how to address. If their intentions were not to cause the impact that they did, a conversation can be had, and changes can be made for a better connection moving forward. If they did intend to hurt you, however, no need to move forward on a mental level or with this person.
3. Explore the boundary that the person impeded upon when they hurt you.
Take the time to assess what boundary was crossed. Define it and connect it in a way that you can easily communicate moving forward.
4. Ask yourself, “was this boundary previously communicated?”
Is the boundary the person crossed one that you’ve already discussed with them? What does this say about them and about the quality of your connection?
5. Is this a matter of communication or letting go?
Please keep in mind, that it is okay and completely up to you to give grace to someone and give them another chance. You also have to hold yourself accountable, though. If you are upset about someone crossing a boundary that you never communicated, then give them the courtesy of communication and an opportunity to rectify their behavior. If you’ve communicated and just find that your boundaries don’t work for that person, it’s okay, let it go.
Addressing the things that are bothering us is crucial to stopping the suffering cycle right where it starts. Don’t suppress or pretend that you’re okay when you’re not. People deserve a fair shot to treat you the way you want to be treated. More importantly, you deserve the treatment that suits you best.