Let It All Crash Down

When I first started practicing Tarot, I went into it with a ton of false information. Maybe not a ton. Just one big idea that I thought would apply to all of the cards. They’re all literal. Meaning, if I ever pull a Death card, I might as well start going through my funeral arrangements. Think Beyoncé in “Carmen: The Hip-Hopera”. Thankfully, I came to find that this was far from the case; that all of the cards have more of a metaphorical tie that you can apply to your real life. Not to say that there aren’t any literal elements at all, but it’s less likely than I thought. 

Over the years, that’s come to be one of my favorite things about practicing tarot. How closely it mirrors real life. Tarot, for me, is just a tool in aiding where my intuition is already doing the work. These things come naturally to us. The trick is learning to listen and apply. Some people think that listening to your intuition means 100% clarity any time you have a question. No. Your intuition still requires that you live, that you feel your way through it, so it’s not always that simple. 

It’s the same with tarot. You pull a card, that card has elements to it that could apply to you, and you have to take it from there. You find the connection and decide what to do with it. Remember, this is what I learned over time. At first, I did have my share of cards that really scared me to pull. Death, of course, the Devil, and the ever destructive Tower. I read about the Tower when I read my first book on tarot. The first book I picked up was someone’s personal rendition of their experience with tarot. With that in mind, I should have taken it with a grain of salt. 

She described the Tower card as what it certainly is: a card that represents rebuilding, but in order to rebuild, something has to be destroyed. While there is a positive element in the idea of rebuilding, the destroying part really had me shook. Especially, when she spoke on how it connected to her when she first pulled it. She described a lot of our worst fears: losing jobs and homes, and irreparable damage to personal relationships. And she described it as almost a domino effect, like she pulled the card, and the next thing she knew, her life began to crumble. 

I wanted to avoid the Tower. After all, I Loved my life. My job, my friends, I didn’t have any romantic relationships, but I’d started growing more hopeful than I ever had been in that area. So, for a couple of years, even as I grew to understand how to interpret the cards for myself, I always held a little resistance to ever seeing that card. And I didn’t. For a long while. And then…I did my 2020 “year at a glance” spread on New Years Day. 

Now, if you’ve been awake for the bulk of this year, you’ve probably made the connection already. What. A. Shit-Show. While, I can see how that was a projection for the year at large, for all of us, it definitely predicted some personal destructing too. Being furloughed from my job, being the biggest thing. But I also pulled the card an additional time when asking about the essence of my romantic relationships in 2020. So, yeah, that happened. It’s funny because I remember thanking the Universe for the “heads up” and declaring that I was setting myself on a path that wouldn’t create that destruction that I was told about. 

That, as I came to find, was not in my control. As much as I shifted my mindset, and played the part that I always played to be positively present and attract all the good things, this was a lesson I was meant to learn. So, everything fell apart. I was furloughed from my job of 9 years, and that really created some issues, not only financially, but internally. I had to reckon with who I might be without this job that I’ve had all of my adult life. 

I’d also met a guy. And he was pretty amazing. For the first time, in nearly a decade, I found myself really being open to being in a “real” relationship. I began to do the personal work that I didn’t even know that I needed in order to grow myself as a partner. And that was hard. It was uncomfortable being vulnerable, but ultimately, I was glad I had it in me to do. I was feeling really hopeful. Then, he told me it wasn’t going to work out. And I was crushed. Another layer crumbled.

This is what the Tower was talking about. Bombs in the foundation of things that I’d built. The comfort I felt at my job. The way I was growing into romantics. It all just blew up. Right before my eyes. I felt like I was laying in the rubble, nothing of what I’d built seemed to exist anymore. And at first, I just sank into these feelings. Feeling hopeless and lost, and like I’d done so much for nothing. In this space, in real life, even with all my practice, I wasn’t thinking about tarot. I wasn’t thinking about the Tower. So, I had to find it in me to remember what has to come next, intuitively. 

So, I picked myself up and started to build. Once destroyed, all things can be rebuilt. They can be rebuilt to be better, stronger. I found the space to be more creative without my job. I’ve been doing things that always existed in my mind, but I never thought I’d have the time or energy to do. I’ve been growing my personal business, and I’ve never  been so proud. As for the romantics, while it’s bare, I’ve learned to not consider it a void, but a place waiting to be filled with possibility. It gets lonely, but I’ve never been this optimistic about Love. I’ve learned so much, gained some experience, and I feel really good about what’s to come. 

The rest of the world has experienced this too. Even though we’re not done with this very wild year, and we truly don’t know what to expect, we’ve seen some amazing things happen in spaces previously destroyed. I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing people come together in such strong ways. So much knowledge has been shared, and my favorite, so many messages to press on. It’s been a real ray of light in a time that’s felt dark for a lot of us. 

So, retrospectively, I say to myself, and to all of us, don’t fear the Tower. Don’t fear destruction. Don’t fear the fire. For the possibilities are truly endless. So, in order to build what we know will be bigger and better, whatever is taking that space up now, let it all crash down.