To Be Honest
When I was a kid, I was a chronic white liar. I didn’t lie about big things, and I certainly never lied to my Mother; but in most of my social interactions, I lied quite a bit. Again, it was never about anything big. I wasn’t telling elaborate stories filled with falsities. I’d just stretch the truth an inch or two every once in a while. I didn’t tell lies big enough to get caught up in, but never getting caught doesn’t make lies true. Looking back, I suppose it was out of low self esteem and not feeling like I was interesting enough as I was. So, I’d sprinkle a little something here and there. No big deal…
Or so I thought. In my early twenties I made a vow to always be honest. At this point, I felt like I had to. What I began to notice about those itty bitty lies is that they turn into a habit that’s hard to break. With a lack of awareness, as I had as a child, I barely listened to myself speak. Once I became more intentional and began paying more attention to myself, I’d catch myself in little lies all the time. In my head, I’d go, “why did I just say that?”. It got really uncomfortable for me, so I had to stop.
Fast forward to now and I don’t typically tell lies, but I’m now finding myself staring down the barrel of other forms of dishonesty, and reasons to be dishonest. Luckily, I have a tribe of friends who I feel welcome to be myself with. I don’t struggle like I used to with liking myself, so I don’t feel the need to add little strokes of fantasy to the painting I present to the world. However, about a year or so ago I found out how tricky this could be in the dating world. A year or so ago was when I really started to date, but here we are now, and this is still a constant challenge.
Still, the lies are small. “Sorry, I was busy”, even though I deliberately ignored their call. “Yeah, I’d Love to hang again”, even though I didn’t enjoy myself, and have no intentions in seeing them again. But why do I catch myself in these lies at all? In all the years that I spent being single (and convincing myself that I wanted to be), I was always the friend telling everyone to be honest with anyone that they’re dating. I’d site a million reasons to do so, and make my disappointment clear to those who express to me that they have lied. I always say “dishonesty is for the fearful, what are you afraid of? What are they going to do to you?”. It’s always been easy for me to minimize the position I’ve never put myself in.
I also thought I was leading by example in the connections I did have. I was frequently called a “savage” or told I don’t give a fuck because of my ability to express what I did or did not want to those who I was casually seeing. However, what they didn’t piece together (and neither did I), was care. All of that to bring me to this.
Why is it more difficult to be honest with people who we care about? Or people who are generally likable? In all the dates I’ve been on in the last year, I wanted to be sure that I always cut ties with respect and honesty. The guys who bored me from the very beginning or who were kind of assholes themselves? Easy peasy. But the guys who were sooooo nice, but I just didn’t feel a connection? It was basically rocket science forming those simple sentences. I felt so bad. They didn’t deserve this. What a bitch I was being!
Ultimately, I can rest easy knowing that at least it’s coming from a pure place. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially people that I’ve grown to care about. A lot of times, I can even picture myself having those hurt feelings. I don’t want that, so why would I do it to someone else? But now I’m noticing the cost of that dishonesty. It’s usually putting at risk what I want or need. If I’m exhausted, but I wait up for someone instead of rescheduling, that’s not exactly setting myself up for success. If I’m turned off by something, but I say it’s okay, that’s not good for either of us.
We typically act upon others how we want people to act toward us. Meaning, we all need to shift to seeing honesty as a gift. An act of kindness. As uncomfortable as it is, I think I need to reapply radical honesty. It won’t be easy, but I think keeping my intention in mind will help. My intention is to honor my truth and to provide others with the ultimate form of kindness. Think about it, it’s not very kind to make someone think something that just isn’t true. Also, if growth is the goal, not being honest will definitely stunt that growth.
These days, I don’t lie as much as I simply omit the truth. Which, to me, is still a lie. I think starting by writing what I’m feeling and why I feel uncomfortable sharing it with potential partners will help me get to the conversations that need to be had. I also need to practice what I constantly preach to others, which is what I call “the premise”. The premise gives the opportunity to let the other person know what your intentions are in saying what you’re about to say. It also gives you a moment to express your discomfort. I think it makes the moment more human. That way, when you tell the truth you’re not being a savage who doesn’t give a fuck, you’re being a person in a position that we’ve all probably been in.
Honesty is important. When you’re not honest about what you want or need, it isn’t a selfless act. A selfless act would be expressing what you want and compromising anyway. Our individual wants and needs matter. So, let’s make the same amount of room for ourselves that we try to make for others. This is kindness for ourselves that others get to feel too.