When We Need Boundaries Most

The concept of setting boundaries has become a hot topic, and I Love that for us. Boundary setting is essential to self-care. The thing is, a lot of us are just going through the motions of life, so although we hear about this a lot these days, we still don’t quite know how to apply it to ourselves. Boundary setting is a lot deeper than just knowing that it’s okay to say no (this is huge though). Like all things that come with a pretty graphic on Instagram, it’s important to know that the work starts within the self. Setting boundaries starts with a deep attention set on ourselves. 

When you go about life in a mindful way, you are being present not only to your outer experience, but the response that you’re experiencing inwardly. Our bodies can tell us a lot. There are messages in each sensation. There is so much to be said about tightness in the body, pain, and strain. 

That’s a great first step to exploring where a boundary may need to be set. Maybe you need to set a boundary around remaining stagnant. You need to limit how often you spend not moving your body. Or maybe it’s the opposite, maybe your body is asking for a boundary to be set around how much strain you put on it with movement. Listen carefully. 

Another clue to where boundaries need to be set is in our language. Lucky for us, we have Twitter and Instagram captions/stories that document the ways we talk to and about ourselves. In fact, I was inspired to write this piece by two tweets I came across. The tweets both featured the title of the “go to person”. One asked who the go to person goes to, and the other spoke to how exhausting it is being the person that everyone reaches out to for guidance, advice, favors, etc. 

As I read these tweets, questions came to mind. First, “who decides that you’re the go-to person?”, then, “what does being the go-to person say about that person’s boundaries?”. On a very personal level, I remember saying things like this. I remember having the feeling that I was not supported in the same ways that I support others; but I had to get honest about whose choice that was. 

So, as it pertains to situations like this one, I came to realize that I had to set a boundary with myself before anyone else. This boundary was around who I chose to be. My belief that I was a go-to person, who in turn had no one to go to, directly correlated with my inability to express my needs to others. So, I had to set a boundary with how much I allowed myself to deal on my own. This, as a first step, opened up a space of reciprocity that made it a lot easier to do for others knowing that they would be there for me in turn. 

Next, I had to keep up with my need to set boundaries by continuing to lean on my presence. If someone asks for support in a moment when I don’t have it to give, it’s my responsibility to be honest about that. Saying no or adjusting what you’re asked to give as needed is just the right thing to do when you’re not feeling all the way up to it. I always try to tell myself, if I can’t do it with a smile, I shouldn’t do it at all. This isn’t just a good way to treat myself, it’s a good way to treat the people you’re supporting. Being honest about what you can and can’t provide, and making sure that you’re bringing an overflowing cup to help others is the ultimate kindness. 

So, I implore you to check in on your process of setting boundaries. Is it effective? Think about why you set the boundaries that you do set, and make sure your processes are truly in alignment. Good practices around setting boundaries with yourself and others are essential in making sure you show up as your best self wherever you’re needed.