Not Just For Right Now

So, I guess this is growth…? It’s been a while since I’ve written. Well, this kind of writing, you know. I was on such a good streak, then all of a sudden. Boom. So, I recently found out that my depression is a bit more than just the bouts I thought I was having before. There were moments when I kept trying to just do the motions and tell myself that I was out of it, but that was far from the truth. 

I don’t even know if I can claim that I’m out of it today. Last time I thought I’d reached the other side of it, it came back crashing down. The person I am today knows that that’s okay. I know that life ebbs and flows, and that even what I think I’m used to can be unpredictable. When I say, “the person I am today”, by the way, I don’t mean that as a look into how much I’ve grown. 

I mean, literally today. All I can do is face today, and now I have a whole new thought process around that. I used to think that the present was all that mattered. I still think this, but with layers. Before, I would let myself be impulsive, or overly indulgent, for the sake of catering to “who I am right now.” After the space I’ve been in for the past month or so, I can say I have a lot more thought towards who I’ll be later. 

I finally see just how bad it can be. I know it can get worse, and I’m grateful that it hasn’t, but I don’t need it to to get this lesson. There are going to be moments that I can’t control, so I have to really take advantage of the spaces of control I do have.

My routine is pivotal. If you’re not new here, you’ve probably seen a variation of those words a bunch, but really. My routine, especially my morning routine, is filled with some of the healthiest habits I have in my repertoire. I’m working on gathering more, but this is good for now. It’s everything for now. It means everything to every version of my future self. 

Now, that I know how low I can get, I know I need to look out for more than my present self. I Love her, but sometimes she be trippin’. Sometimes, she wants to drink late at night when she knows she won’t get up on time in the morning if she does. Sometimes, she wants extra sleep instead of working out and meditating, even though she has the proof now that she won’t feel so great without it. 

There are more examples, but I’m not here to drag me. I’m here to Love me, just in a way that’s more spread out. Love for who I am today, so that tomorrow, I can get some too. It’s like a river flowing into an ocean, and I gotta keep it going. 

I hope I don’t sound like I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself. I know to give myself grace. But AT LEAST! Start with the routine, bring some grace in after. Right? Right? I’ll check back in. :)