What Is True For Me Right Now - 9/?
I am allowing hate to heal Me. I’m pretty sure I already talked about this a bit - but it is a major theme in this phase of my life, and in light of my King Kendrick - I am invigorated by the expression of hate.
Having a conversation with someone who doesn’t share your thoughts, if You’re Me, can be a tricky situation. Afterwards, I often (very often) find myself ruminating over what I said and how I said it - what about my thoughts are so hard to adopt or understand? I felt this way after talking about Drake with a friend last week, fueled by a second glass of champagne, I spoke with unwavering conviction - Drake is a lame and a loser and I hate him. I can’t help but to chuckle at that because, written out like that, it seems much deeper than it should be. But really, it has much more to do with Me and where I’m currently standing in my journey than it does my disdain for this artist.
When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to say the word hate. Like ever, for any reason. Then in 2013, at the age of 21, after a couple of years of religious catharsis and undoing and reworking my belief of God, I found myself studying the Laws of Attraction, by way of a book from a very close friend. This study, and the aligned studies that would follow, completely shifted the way I thought, and ultimately, lived. However, my interpretation of it (likely, due to my childhood and my undeveloped frontal lobe) was skewed. I thought that I had to be positive all the time; think positive, speak positive, be positive.
I went years being this way. Pushing down any negative thoughts or words and encouraging others to “think of it this way”. In retrospect, my biggest bout of depression in the winter of 2021 probably had a lot to do with all that time of suppressing + all the other shit. I digress.
In the past few months (like, literally 3 months), my access to hate has been unlocked. I finally talked with my therapist about all of these different forms of hate suppression and really took in, for the first time, what She told Me: “it’s okay to not like or to even hate; it doesn’t make You a bad person.” I’m sure that wasn’t her first time trying to express it to Me, but this version of Me was really ready to take it in. And babyyyyy!
I work in extremes. If I experienced 0 of something, I likely need to feel it over the top so I can balance out, eventually. Which is why my expression of hating Drake has felt so good (again, I know how unserious this is). Because it’s so much deeper than that for Me. Though, I feel valid in my feelings toward him, the ability to express it is about my inner child. The little girl with an absent father, who was exposed to abuse and certain forms of poverty, I’m giving her permission to hate that shit. I’m telling her that She’s not bad for not liking the way things are and that it’s safe and okay to express it.
It’s invigorating and so freeing to feel this way and mean it; that I’m still a good person while experiencing hate. That hate can be a necessary tool in guiding Me where I’m meant to be. It helps Me to speak up when things aren’t right, it lets Me know when it’s time to shift my energy in another direction. I’m so thankful for the wholeness that I get by this experience. The duality of it all, the multitudes of who I am and who I get to be. This beautiful being of Love and light hates some shit, and that’s fine. It’s kinda lit lol.