Onward - And On

So, I figured, why not document this, right? Today is Day 18 of no alcohol. I’m about 13 days in since making my official pledge to not drink. I know what you may be thinking, “isn’t it a bit early to start documenting progress?” Or maybe, you’re not thinking that at all, maybe I’m projecting. 

I wasn’t expecting to feel anything. I wasn’t expecting to have days that are vastly different than others. Perhaps, I could have guessed it if I’d thought of it, but I didn’t. I just made the decision. The only plan I had was to not drink, it seemed that simple; but I know already that I need to strap in for some challenges. 

Last Friday, I felt like an addict for the first time. In all of my years of drinking, I was always very candid about feeling like an alcoholic due to my binging, but I said it so blatantly to make light of it. I used it as a stopping point, any further and I may have come to believe I had a real problem. Last Friday, though, that thought came staring me in the face. 

My day started positively enough. I did my meditation and affirmations, I went for a walk and listened to Beyoncé for the first and second time. It was Lovely. As the day pressed on, however, I tuned in and noticed my attitude. The way I talked on the phone with my friend, how snappy I was, irritable. I was also craving snacks and found myself fixated on when I would be able to try other drugs now that I’m not drinking. 

Finally, I paused. I said to myself, “wait a minute, what’s happening?”. I went by the window with my notebook and began to process. It hit me. I was feeling some withdrawal and looking to fill the void with other vices. This not being readily available to me through proper snacks or something else made me irritable. It gave me a shitty attitude. This realization made me cry. I really do have an addiction. 

I’m glad I’m able to say it that way and not “I am an addict”, that’s not who I am, it’s just…this is going to be a bit more challenging than I thought. 

For a moment, though, allow me to give myself some praise. This is such a testament to divine timing. With the itch to quit drinking being on me as long as it has been, I see now why it took this long. I wasn’t then who I am today, and who I am today is so much more well equipped for this. My ability to stop and notice my inner experience, to process, and offer myself some gentleness (and some kombucha) was just what I needed in that space. 

For that, I’m thankful. 

I’m noticing myself binge eat, and even impulsively shop. Searching for something else to fulfill the craving. But I’m willing to take this one day at a time. I can’t tackle everything. I’m focused on my main commitment and will do my best with the rest. 

I feel prepared, made for this. I know it’s all working exactly as it should. I’m gonna start going out to eat once a week or so, so I’m looking forward to all the fun non-alcoholic beverages I always missed out on. I’m excited. 

Onward and on.