Into Me I See

Something remarkable that I’ve noticed is that in all forms of “healing”, “unlearning”, or “doing the work”, it’s all leading me back to myself. My real self, stripped away of every layer of protection that I created over time. I’m finally seeing myself for who I really am, and who I’ve always been underneath the “cool girl”, and other personas I found necessary. 

I’m noticing it now in the phase I’m in of my sexual journey. I’ve never been shy about sexual exploration, I’m just learning now how much that was rarely centered around me, my pleasure, or my needs. A lot of it was a performance. It was a character that I kept making myself keep up with so I wouldn’t feel fake. 

That’s actually a thought that came much later, the whole feeling fake thing. I didn’t even realize that I was operating from a space completely outside of my actual desires sometimes. I’d convinced myself that I was only sexual in one way, in one dimension. So, it wasn’t until I started noticing that I wanted things to change, that I even had the fear of feeling fake come up. Which. What an irrational thought. 

Although the process was really uncomfortable, and even painful in some moments, I’m so thankful for whatever happened that finally cleared my view. I slowly started to feel the resistance. It may have been there all along, but when you’re on autopilot do you notice if you’re running out of gas, or do you just…stop all of a sudden? That’s how it felt; like all of a sudden, I went from feeling completely satisfied to feeling that the dissatisfaction was palpable. I couldn’t ignore it, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was or why I was feeling it. 

So, of course, a couple more tries and the feeling got more and more intense until I didn’t want to indulge altogether. I guess that was the breakthrough. My first look at what I didn’t want that shined a bright light on what I did. So, I started to seek that out, with my energy, at least, and even attract it. In a way. I attracted a version of it, something to help me fine-tune, and get even clearer on what I need to find fulfillment in that way. 

Let me say, I know I’m being pretty vague, but I feel a little awkward detailing all of that in a clear picture. Luckily, none of that is the point of this, anyhow. The point is, after all of that, I found myself left with just me. Me and a brand new desire that I finally admitted to having. So, how do you fulfill this desire while alone? I’ve been led back to myself. 

I’ve always been in control. I always wrote the stories, attracted the circumstances. What I wanted then, was for a version of me who needed very different things. I needed to protect my vulnerability, keep my emotionality in tact. That served a purpose then. I’m in a different space now. Now, I’m accepting, I’m open, I’m vulnerable in all the best ways, and best of all, I know I can appeal to all those things while I’m alone. 

I’m learning to give myself what I require. I’ve learned that I’m romantic, I’m deep, I’m sexual, and fun, and I have an interesting way of being very into details. So, as I court myself, I make it sexual, but I also make it other types of intimate. I’m meditating, listening in on my inner world. I’m cooking for myself, offering myself nourishment. I’m taking myself on dates. I’m setting boundaries with myself, I’m sticking to my routines.  

This is the intimacy that I desire most; to feel welcomed, to feel wanted and accepted, to create a home. I dedicated the month of June to cultivating confidence, and that fit in so perfectly with this phase I’ve found myself in. I needed that to get here, it’s so funny how we co-create with the Universe like that. So, I take pictures of myself in my little Savage-X get ups for vanity, yes, but also for self-Love, and self-admiration. I deserve that. 

That’s my intimacy with myself, out loud.