What Is True For Me Right Now - 5/?

I think I’m being called to learn to grieve. My relationship with grief, and even feelings as big as grief, is very limited. Even as a person who’s dealt with depression, I honestly think those moments come through as a result of my being avoidant in my everyday life towards potentially big feelings, like grief. I have noticed that I have been very avoidant, in a lot of ways.

I’ve always thought of myself as an emotional person because I cry a lot, but that is such a small part of emotional experience and release. Even in my crying, a lot of it, really, is just getting choked up and Me immediately suppressing it. As long as I’ve been in therapy, I am just now understanding the concept of actually sitting with a feeling; being present for the entire life cycle of an emotion.

When it comes to grief specifically, I am dangerously inexperienced with it, and that has honestly terrified Me for a long time. I’ve held on to this fear of someone I Love dying unexpectedly and having no idea what to do or how to be. I lost My Grandmother when I was 11 years old, but that (along with a lot of childhood memories), has gone repressed for a long time. I don’t really remember what I felt. And since then, I haven’t really experienced any more major losses. I know how much of a privilege that is.

But I’m noticing, I spent all this time fearing death, as we know it, when grief comes in other situations too. Like when we lose friends. Being in that space now, I’m noticing that I still don’t know what to do or how to be. I’m recognizing that my fear is still coming true, though technically (and thankfully), no one has died.

I’m choosing, however, to use this as an opportunity to allow myself to experience grief. This morning, my now old friend popped up a number of times during my meditation. After about the third time, I decided to pause and just honor them - wish them well, then take a deep breath and practice “being” again. I don’t know a thing about grief, but that felt like the right thing to do.

For once, I don’t feel like I’ve avoided it though - the feeling and the natural action that came up for Me. Life and loss is complicated, but there really are no right or wrong ways as long as You go through it fully, with all of your presence. I believe that if we immerse ourselves in our lived experience, then we can trust that the actions and solutions that come up for us are usually always right.

I’m trusting myself as I expand into this experience.